Still Waiting….

I fell off the blogging wagon again. Hard.   As you can imagine, it’s terribly difficult writing about the randomness of life when your heart and mind are fully fixated on one specific thing.  So, I’m taking a deep breath and jumping back in.  And honestly, it feels pretty darn good.

This is the perfect time for me to reflect on this last year.  I’m not sure if I had specific expectations as to what this year would bring, but I did expect to be happier.  And I am. Honest!  I’m no longer stressed by work, and  I don’t cry my way through a 1-1/2 hour commute. I gleefully downsized, minimalized and strategized my way through the first 6 months.  At some point this summer,  though, I realized that the numbers weren’t really adding up, and that this job is not evolving the way I expected. There is no tweaking room left in my budget, which means I am faced with sacrificing essentials like internet*, healthcare, and heat.

* Remember when the internet was considered a luxury, not an essential?  I’m terrified to be wifi-free now.  How would I get my life-sustaining doses of Murder, She Wrote and MacGyver?

The strange thing is that was dealing with this revelation pretty well UNTIL I had an interview.  The moment I allowed myself to think about how much better my life would be with no commute, medical insurance and a little mad money, I fell off the deep-end.

And still I wait.  I’ve emailed the woman who interviewed me, but I haven’t heard back yet. After a week of comatose depression, it’s time to get my head back in the game. I’m trying very hard to focus on what I want  my life to look and feel like every day – not just the good days.

My mind is flooded with thoughts on this topic, but I will spare you.  Listening to someone self-evaluate is really not very interesting, I admit. What I can say is that of all the things I neglected while I was self-medicating with excessive amounts of sleep, is that I really, really miss painting.  I’ve been staring numbly at a number of unfinished paintings scattered around my room.  I think they deserve my full attention now.

So, here’s to better days.  And please keep sending those positive vibes. There’s still hope!

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